Total Praetorian News
Unapologetically conservative news for masculine men, brought to you by Marcus Cole.
In a world where society is constantly pushing for body positivity and acceptance, one father’s stance has sparked controversy. Mark Johnson, a 55-year-old widower, has made it clear to his adult son, 27-year-old John, that he is not allowed to date overweight women as long as he lives under his roof. According to Mark, this […]
In a bold move to showcase the strength and superiority of Russian women, President Vladimir Putin has publicly endorsed Xenia Onatopp from the iconic James Bond film Golden Eye as an inspirational role model for all Russian citizens. In a recent speech at the Kremlin, Putin praised Onatopp’s fierce determination and physical prowess, declaring her […]
The tension between Russia and Ukraine has been ongoing for years, with both sides claiming dominance over the other. However, President Vladimir Putin has recently updated his guidelines for how his supporters and trolls should communicate about this conflict. And one thing is for sure, there’s a new emphasis on masculinity. Gone are the days […]
Are you tired of dealing with a girlfriend who constantly cries? Well, beware, because it might lead to something far more dangerous and disturbing – dacryphilia. Let’s break it down. Dacryphilia is a sexual fetish where a person is aroused by seeing someone else cry. And yes, it’s a real thing. And what’s scarier is […]
The U.S. Department of Family Values has released alarming new findings that should have every parent on high alert. According to their research, the rising trend of vertical video on social media platforms is leading to a disturbing outcome – turning our children transgender. God has designed our eyes to be horizontal, as it is […]
But the evidence doesn’t stop there. There are countless examples in nature that point to a higher power, a divine creator. From the cross-pollination of plants to the migratory patterns of animals, the intricate and perfect balance of the natural world is too complex to have evolved randomly. It’s time to challenge the dominant theory […]
The world has been witnessing the ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine, with tensions continuing to escalate and innocent lives being lost. However, the reasons behind Russian President Vladimir Putin’s actions go beyond political power and territorial control. In a recent interview, Putin revealed his true motive for starting the war – a concerning decline […]
Located in the heart of Confederate Park in Memphis, the Department of Family Values is responsible for monitoring world events and assessing the likelihood of the Rapture occurring. This recent declaration has sparked both fear and excitement among citizens, as many scramble to prepare for what could potentially be the end of the world as […]
Humans have been fascinated by the Earth’s magnetic field since ancient times. It has been a subject of wonder, study, and even religious beliefs. But what if I told you that the strength of this magnetic field is not solely dependent on geological processes, but also on human masculinity? This controversial theory, known as geomasculism, […]
The family had been living in fear for weeks as the cat wreaked havoc by urinating in their beds and short-circuiting their power strips. They had tried everything to rid their home of the demonic creature, but nothing seemed to work. That’s when they turned to Father Thomas, a renowned exorcist known for his bravery […]