Total Praetorian Network
Unapologetically conservative news for masculine men, brought to you by Marcus Cole.
My fellow men, it’s time to stop being meek and start being mighty. In a world that values political correctness and sensitivity, we’ve lost sight of what it means to be masculine. But here’s the thing: meekness is not only emasculating, it’s also a health risk for men. Yes, you heard that right. By constantly […]
Listen up, my fellow men of Praetoria. I come to you today with a crucial warning: stay away from TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube Shorts. These platforms may seem harmless, but they are slowly poisoning our minds and robbing us of our masculinity. Real men are hunters. We are driven by purpose and we know what […]
Brothers, gather round and rejoice, for a new era of athleticism is upon us. That’s right, the world-famous sport of dwarftossing has been officially recognized and added to the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles. For those of you who are unfamiliar, dwarftossing is a physical competition where participants launch a dwarf as far as they […]
Fellow Praetorians, it’s time to face a harsh truth: our Earth’s magnetic field is weakening. And while scientists scramble to come up with explanations and solutions, I have my own theory – geomasculism. Yes, my dear readers, Earth is a masculine organism. And just like any man, he needs to protect himself. That’s where his […]
Attention all real men of Praetoria, it’s time to address the growing epidemic of “empaths.” These so-called sensitive and empathetic men are nothing but a scourge on our masculinity and strength. They overthink every conversation, looking for reasons to get offended. They accuse others of being narcissistic simply because they disagree. And worst of all, […]
Welcome, my fellow alpha males, to the ultimate style guide for conquering the yoga mat. For too long, yoga has been associated with flowy pants and flower patterns, but fear not, for I have found the perfect way for us to maintain our masculine edge while dominating our warrior poses. First things first, forget the […]
Attention all adrenaline junkies and conservative thinkers! Total Praetorian Network is making a bold move with the launch of our new domain, praetorian.today. Get ready to buckle up and join us on an exhilarating journey as we continue to bring you the latest updates on travel, world events, health and fitness, wrestling, and technology news. […]
In a shocking statement that has sparked heated debate among conservatives, Republican Senator John Smith of Virginia declared that life begins at ejaculation, not conception. He went on to claim that men who masturbate are not truly pro-life and should instead “think of his mother” and be grateful that she was not pro-abortion. The senator’s […]
In this increasingly secular world, we often come across individuals who claim to have a direct line to God and possess an unshakeable faith in the impending apocalypse. But one evangelist’s recent actions have left many scratching their heads and questioning the sanity of those who claim to have a spiritual connection. Meet Reverend Jeremiah […]
In a world where society is constantly pushing for body positivity and acceptance, one father’s stance has sparked controversy. Mark Johnson, a 55-year-old widower, has made it clear to his adult son, 27-year-old John, that he is not allowed to date overweight women as long as he lives under his roof. According to Mark, this […]
In a bold move to showcase the strength and superiority of Russian women, President Vladimir Putin has publicly endorsed Xenia Onatopp from the iconic James Bond film Golden Eye as an inspirational role model for all Russian citizens. In a recent speech at the Kremlin, Putin praised Onatopp’s fierce determination and physical prowess, declaring her […]
The tension between Russia and Ukraine has been ongoing for years, with both sides claiming dominance over the other. However, President Vladimir Putin has recently updated his guidelines for how his supporters and trolls should communicate about this conflict. And one thing is for sure, there’s a new emphasis on masculinity. The focus now is […]
Are you tired of dealing with a girlfriend who constantly cries? Well, beware, because it might lead to something far more dangerous and disturbing – dacryphilia. Let’s break it down. Dacryphilia is a sexual fetish where a person is aroused by seeing someone else cry. And yes, it’s a real thing. And what’s scarier is […]