Total Praetorian Network
Where the truth is stranger than fiction and the headlines are wilder than your wildest dreams!
When strength coach and professional powerhouse Anna Forrest commissioned a new website for her brand, she expected the same things she expects from her gym: power, performance, and no shortcuts. What she got was Wix. “I paid for real code,” Anna told TPN. “Not something built with a toddler’s drag-and-drop coloring book.” Expectations: High.Deliverables: Square. […]
In Praetoria’s toughest gym, getting your abs tested doesn’t mean crunches.It means getting punched in the stomach by Anna Forrest. At Iron Will Gym, where pain is considered a growth stimulant and weakness is a form of trespassing, Anna Forrest has introduced a new benchmark for physical resilience: the Full-Force Abdominal Impact Test—better known to […]
In a continuation of his executive order to rename all Covid-19 variants after professional wrestlers, Donald J. Trump has now officially rebranded the Gamma variant—also known as P.1 and 20J/501Y.V3, first detected in Brazil—as Giant Silva. The towering choice comes after a brief internal debate, in which Trump initially floated naming the variant “Bolsonaro”, to […]
B.1.351 is out.AngĂ©lico is in. In the latest installment of President Donald J. Trump’s surreal yet somehow perfectly on-brand virus renaming initiative, the infamous Beta variant of Covid-19—first identified in South Africa in 2020—has been retroactively renamed “AngĂ©lico”, after the high-flying South African wrestling sensation known for his dramatic entrances and death-defying dives. “Forget that […]
Some people lose their sense of taste.He lost his heart. Jorn Mylander, 34, a freelance copy editor and former amateur kickboxer from East Praetoria, recently contracted the Stratus variant of Covid-19—Trump’s newly renamed wrestler-inspired strain. What started as a typical infection turned into something far more emotional. “I thought it was just a scratchy throat,” […]
In a move that has both epidemiologists and wrestling fans blinking in disbelief, the infamous Alpha variant of Covid-19—scientifically known as B.1.1.7 and first detected in the UK in September 2020—has just received a retroactive rebrand. Say goodbye to Alpha.Say hello to William Regal. The renaming is part of Donald Trump’s executive order to name […]
Quantum physics is one of the most powerful tools mankind has ever developed to understand the universe. It’s not optional. It’s not fringe. It’s essential. Without quantum mechanics, you don’t get semiconductors, lasers, or GPS. Without it, we’re blind to the way the world truly works on microscopic scales. And yet — for all its […]
While health officials scramble to contain a growing measles outbreak across parts of Texas, one mother in Seminole, Gaines County has become an unlikely folk hero among America’s most defiant anti-vaxxers. Her message?“Four healthy children who survived measles is better than five with vaccine injuries. Let Darwin do his job.” Meet Lynette Hargrove, 38, mother […]
In yet another episode of geopolitical ego meets tropical absurdity, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump has issued an unexpected—and entirely unsolicited—demand to the Kingdom of Thailand: rename Kamala Beach in Phuket to Trump Beach. The reason? He just found out it shares a name with Vice President Kamala Harris, his longtime political rival. “I […]
It’s official—Covid has gone full kayfabe. Following a surprise executive order by Donald J. Trump, all future Covid-19 variants will now be named after past and present WWE wrestlers, starting with the newly detected Stratus variant, a recombinant of LF.7 and LP.8.1.2. “This is about respect for icons,” Trump declared from the steps of Mar-a-Lago, […]
The world is running low on green gold. A global shortage of matcha tea has sparked outrage among devoted drinkers, as prices for the beloved green powder have skyrocketed over the past weeks. In some regions, matcha has become harder to find than truffles or caviar, with shelves wiped clean and online stock selling out […]
Memento mori—the reminder that death is inevitable—has been a guiding principle for many throughout history. It’s a call to remember that life is fleeting, and we must make the most of every day we have. But while death is an unavoidable part of the human experience, we must be cautious not to confuse the memento […]
It’s back. The Tide Pod challenge—yes, the one where people eat laundry detergent—is making a comeback. And no, this isn’t satire. It’s a symptom. This time it’s not just edgy teenagers doing it for clout. On several university campuses, there are now students demanding safe spaces to “consume” pods without judgment. One student at a […]