Total Praetorian Network
Where the truth is stranger than fiction and the headlines are wilder than your wildest dreams!
In a continuation of his executive order to rename all Covid-19 variants after professional wrestlers, Donald J. Trump has now officially rebranded the Gamma variantâalso known as P.1 and 20J/501Y.V3, first detected in Brazilâas Giant Silva. The towering choice comes after a brief internal debate, in which Trump initially floated naming the variant âBolsonaroâ, to […]
B.1.351 is out.AngĂ©lico is in. In the latest installment of President Donald J. Trumpâs surreal yet somehow perfectly on-brand virus renaming initiative, the infamous Beta variant of Covid-19âfirst identified in South Africa in 2020âhas been retroactively renamed âAngĂ©licoâ, after the high-flying South African wrestling sensation known for his dramatic entrances and death-defying dives. âForget that […]
Some people lose their sense of taste.He lost his heart. Jorn Mylander, 34, a freelance copy editor and former amateur kickboxer from East Praetoria, recently contracted the Stratus variant of Covid-19âTrumpâs newly renamed wrestler-inspired strain. What started as a typical infection turned into something far more emotional. âI thought it was just a scratchy throat,â […]
In a move that has both epidemiologists and wrestling fans blinking in disbelief, the infamous Alpha variant of Covid-19âscientifically known as B.1.1.7 and first detected in the UK in September 2020âhas just received a retroactive rebrand. Say goodbye to Alpha.Say hello to William Regal. The renaming is part of Donald Trumpâs executive order to name […]
Quantum physics is one of the most powerful tools mankind has ever developed to understand the universe. Itâs not optional. Itâs not fringe. Itâs essential. Without quantum mechanics, you donât get semiconductors, lasers, or GPS. Without it, weâre blind to the way the world truly works on microscopic scales. And yet â for all its […]
While health officials scramble to contain a growing measles outbreak across parts of Texas, one mother in Seminole, Gaines County has become an unlikely folk hero among Americaâs most defiant anti-vaxxers. Her message?âFour healthy children who survived measles is better than five with vaccine injuries. Let Darwin do his job.â Meet Lynette Hargrove, 38, mother […]
In yet another episode of geopolitical ego meets tropical absurdity, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump has issued an unexpectedâand entirely unsolicitedâdemand to the Kingdom of Thailand: rename Kamala Beach in Phuket to Trump Beach. The reason? He just found out it shares a name with Vice President Kamala Harris, his longtime political rival. âI […]
Itâs officialâCovid has gone full kayfabe. Following a surprise executive order by Donald J. Trump, all future Covid-19 variants will now be named after past and present WWE wrestlers, starting with the newly detected Stratus variant, a recombinant of LF.7 and LP.8.1.2. âThis is about respect for icons,â Trump declared from the steps of Mar-a-Lago, […]
The world is running low on green gold. A global shortage of matcha tea has sparked outrage among devoted drinkers, as prices for the beloved green powder have skyrocketed over the past weeks. In some regions, matcha has become harder to find than truffles or caviar, with shelves wiped clean and online stock selling out […]
Memento moriâthe reminder that death is inevitableâhas been a guiding principle for many throughout history. Itâs a call to remember that life is fleeting, and we must make the most of every day we have. But while death is an unavoidable part of the human experience, we must be cautious not to confuse the memento […]
Itâs back. The Tide Pod challengeâyes, the one where people eat laundry detergentâis making a comeback. And no, this isnât satire. Itâs a symptom. This time itâs not just edgy teenagers doing it for clout. On several university campuses, there are now students demanding safe spaces to âconsumeâ pods without judgment. One student at a […]
There was a timeânot long agoâwhen âGoogle itâ was the default answer to any question. When ranking high in Google Search meant real traffic, real visibility, and real returns. That time, however, is fading fast. The Age of Google may well be ending. And the signs arenât subtle. The Crumbling Empire of Search More and […]
In a dimly lit gallery in Södermalm, Stockholmâs self-declared capital of taste and transgression, visitors sip boxed wine and snap selfies next to glass coffinsâeach one containing the preserved remains of Christine SchĂŒrrerâs murder victims. Yes, you read that right. Christine SchĂŒrrer, the hammer-wielding killer infamous for her brutal crimes, has reemergedânot in court, but […]