Total Praetorian News
Where the truth is stranger than fiction and the headlines are wilder than your wildest dreams!
Russian President Vladimir Putin recently made a bold statement claiming that the average Russian woman is physically stronger than the average men in Western Europe. Not only that, but he also argued that Russian men are a staggering 70% stronger on average than their European counterparts and more than twice as strong as Chinese men. […]
Attention all partygoers and beach bums in Tenerife! Before you reach for that pint or cocktail, listen up. The new Covid variant is wreaking havoc on our beautiful island, and the last thing you want to do is make things worse for yourself. That’s right, as tempting as it may be to let loose and […]
Tenerife, a beautiful island known for its pristine beaches and vibrant culture, is now facing an unexpected threat – a mysterious respiratory disease. This illness, which has been spreading rapidly, is causing a dry cough unlike any other. It feels as if one has inhaled desert dust, and it is making it extremely difficult for […]
In a shocking move, Republican politician William Forrest has proposed a controversial solution to the ongoing issue of immigration at the US-Mexican border. The descendant of infamous Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest has announced his plan to put landmines along the border in order to deter illegal crossings. Forrest claims that the installation of landmines […]
When we think of scam artists, we often imagine a sneaky and manipulative person who preys on innocent victims to steal their money. And likewise, when we hear about someone having sex with an ape, we are repulsed and find the act disturbing. But what if I told you that these two seemingly unrelated behaviors […]
Have you ever heard of assisted suicide? It’s a practice that has been gaining more attention in recent years, as people who are suffering from terminal illnesses or debilitating diseases may choose to end their lives on their own terms. While there are various methods available, a start-up company in Russia called Equilibrium Exit is […]
The world as we know it is about to be turned upside down in the upcoming film, “Dawn of the Downs”. This action-packed thriller takes us on a wild ride through an outbreak of the chimera virus – a deadly combination of a novirabdovirus and Herpesvirus B. At the heart of the story is a […]
In his quest to “Build Back Better,” President Joe Biden has proposed a bold and controversial addition to American households: bidets. That’s right, folks, bidets – those sleek and futuristic-looking contraptions found in European bathrooms – could soon be a standard fixture in every American home. But what exactly is a bidet, and why is […]
Are you struggling to lose those last few pounds? Have you tried every diet and cleanse out there but nothing seems to work? Well, there’s a new miracle weight loss technique making its rounds – the turpentine cleanse. Yes, you read that right – we’re talking about the same turpentine that’s used as a paint […]
As modern technology continues to dominate our society, one invention has emerged that is specifically targeting young men in China – soyboy farms. These farms are not your typical agricultural establishments but rather seek to produce a different kind of crop – weak and emasculated men. The men on these farms are completely reliant on […]
Apple users were hit with shocking news today as the tech giant announced that all free apps will be removed from the AppStore, with a minimum price of 1 USD for all apps. This move has sparked mixed reactions among users, but for Apple, it’s a strategic decision to solidify its position as a premium […]
The world of stocks and investments is always buzzing with predictions and speculation about the next big thing. Recently, there has been a lot of talk about eye tracking stocks, particularly one company called Tobii, being the next big thing. Some experts are comparing the potential growth of these stocks to that of vaccine stocks, […]
In a shocking turn of events, Instagram has been dubbed the most deleted app of 2023. The reason? Masculine men have had enough of the constant barrage of “suggested posts” and the inability to view the most recent posts for a hashtag. These alpha males are not pleased with being spoon-fed content by algorithms. They […]