Men, let’s get something clear.
You may have walked into this office thinking it’s your turf — but this isn’t your man cave, your dorm room, or your digital daycare. This is a professional space. And it will be maintained like one. Not because I asked nicely — but because there are consequences.
In this office, we operate on discipline, performance, and mutual respect.
Break those rules, and I’ll do what your mother, your ex, or your last boss should’ve done:
kick you in the damn groin.
🚫 What Will Get You Kicked — Literally
Let’s go over the basics. Yes, basics. The fact I even have to spell this out is already pathetic.
1. Not Loading the Dishwasher
If you’re adult enough to drink coffee, you’re adult enough to rinse your mug and put it where it belongs. I don’t care if “you didn’t dirty it” — this isn’t about guilt. It’s about shared discipline. Skip it, and you’ll be walking crooked by noon.
2. Failure to Use the Toilet Brush
If you leave behind streaks, smears, or signs of your morning war crime and don’t handle it — you’ve just volunteered for physical correction. I will find you. I will weaponize my heel.
3. Stealing Milk from the Fridge
If it doesn’t have your name on it, it’s not yours. You’re not in college anymore. If you think sneaking milk is funny, I’ll make sure the only thing you’re sipping next is an ice pack on your crotch.
4. Surfing Porn
Seriously? At work? If you can’t control yourself for eight hours, you shouldn’t be in this building. Open a browser tab you shouldn’t and I’ll open a world of pain.
5. Using Pirated Software
Grow up. If you think you’re saving money by cutting corners on licensing, don’t be shocked when I cut your stride in half.
6. Talking Too Loud on the Phone
You’re not on a runway. You’re not performing. You’re not important. If the call is loud enough to distract five people, it’s loud enough to warrant a penalty.
7. Not Walking Away During Long Calls
Lingering in the open workspace for a 15-minute call like you’re delivering a TED Talk?
You’ll be delivering something else when I slam my knee into your legacy.
8. Complaining About My Physical Activity
If I’m doing burpees next to the whiteboard, lifting a colleague to test leverage, or stretching in the corner with my foot on a filing cabinet, don’t whine.
If you can’t train, at least be smart enough to not interrupt those who can. You moan about my workouts — I make you wish you had trained your core.
🧼 Respect Is Not Optional
You don’t need to like me.
You don’t need to agree with my methods.
But you will respect this office — and the basic rules that allow grown adults to function without becoming feral little swamp rats.
If you’re uncomfortable, great.
That’s discipline forming.
And if you think I won’t follow through?
You clearly haven’t felt a Cross kick yet.
