Total Praetorian News
It’s the summer of 2026, and the world is teetering on the edge of a nightmare. A rogue Russian general, armed with unimaginable power, has unleashed a new form of terror—scalar weapons capable of defying the laws of physics. The skies darken as massive cold explosions ravage cities, leaving behind nothing but icy devastation. This […]
A video has recently surfaced showing Belarusian President Aleksandr Lukasjenko grabbing a female journalist by the pussy during a press conference. This shocking display of aggression and disrespect towards women has caused outrage and sparked comparisons between Lukasjenko and former US President Donald Trump. In the video, Lukasjenko can be seen boasting about his actions, […]
Ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened: lawmakers have passed pre-crime bill 352/0, a dangerous legislation that undermines our very freedom and privacy rights. This bill will allow the government to arrest and punish individuals based on the prediction of potential future crimes, essentially making us guilty until proven innocent. This is a blatant violation […]
It seems like every day, there is a new loophole being exploited to allow illegal immigrants to enter our country. And now, the latest threat to our border security comes in the form of gender fluid individuals. It may sound like a bizarre concept, but it is a real concern that we cannot afford to […]
In a shocking move, the United States has formed an agreement with China for the trade of human organs. This controversial deal, known as the Human Organ Free Trade Agreement (HOFTA), has sparked outrage and skepticism from both sides of the political spectrum. Under HOFTA, China, known for its unethical practices in organ harvesting from […]
In a shocking move, Republican politician William Forrest has proposed a controversial solution to the ongoing issue of immigration at the US-Mexican border. The descendant of infamous Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest has announced his plan to put landmines along the border in order to deter illegal crossings. Forrest claims that the installation of landmines […]
In his quest to “Build Back Better,” President Joe Biden has proposed a bold and controversial addition to American households: bidets. That’s right, folks, bidets – those sleek and futuristic-looking contraptions found in European bathrooms – could soon be a standard fixture in every American home. But what exactly is a bidet, and why is […]
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the social media world, President Donald Trump has declared his intention to ban TikTok if he is re-elected as president. But that’s not all – he’s also set his sights on revitalizing Instagram and restoring its former glory as the premier photo-sharing platform. In a fiery statement, […]