Total Praetorian Network
Imagine waking up one morning to news that sends a shiver down your spine: the planet’s natural ability to cleanse itself is breaking down. The invisible hydroxyl radicals that usually scrub pollutants from the atmosphere are mysteriously disappearing. At first, you might shrug it off, but the signs start to show quickly—air pollution levels rising […]
Hold on to your seats, gentlemen, because this theory is as bold as it gets. Imagine the Earth as a living, breathing masculine organism. Picture its magnetic field as a force of masculine energy, grounding and protecting everything we know. Now, what if the weakening of Earth’s magnetic field—a real, observable phenomenon—has something to do […]
In the stillness of the night, as the world went about its usual routines, a cosmic spectacle unfolded. Alpha Lyrae, a star shining brightly at a mere 25 light years away, erupted in a spectacular Type II-P supernova, unleashing a torrent of energy that would ripple across the globe. This event not only dazzled the […]
Praetorians, listen up. Our scientists have made a groundbreaking discovery, one that could change the course of our civilization forever. They have detected an unusual signal coming from the binary star system Eta Cassiopeiae, located a mere 19.3 lightyears away. Now, before you crack open a cold one to celebrate our potential first contact with […]
You stand at the precipice of an era, a citizen of Casseneptus—an Earth-like planet orbiting the sun-like star Eta Cassiopeiae A. Your civilization is advanced, teetering on the brink of the technological singularity, yet still confined to your home planet without permanent settlements elsewhere in your system. As you ponder the potential of your society, […]
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to face the harsh reality of our current society. The soyboy epidemic is spreading like wildfire, fueled by Chinese soyboy farms and their emasculating practices. But what does this have to do with Earth’s magnetic field, you might ask? According to the concept of geomasculism, it has everything to do […]
The Ankovirus outbreak has reached a critical juncture, with the global death toll now at 384 and the virus having spread to China. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have issued a projection for the potential global death toll in the event of a full-blown pandemic, but uncertainty remains over whether the reported […]
As the Ankovirus death toll continues to rise, reaching 177, Dr. Ivan Petrov, a frontline physician in Anko, has provided a detailed account of his experiences treating patients. He reports a 15% fatality rate and underscores that individuals in excellent physical condition are significantly more likely to survive and recover. “One of the critical observations […]
In a world where raves and experiments go hand in hand, we at Total Praetorian Network decided to take it up a notch and give Krokodil, the notorious flesh-eating drug, to a crocodile. Yes, you read that right. And not just any crocodile, but one that had a knack for EDM music. Now, before you […]
The Ankovirus crisis continues to deepen, with the death toll now at 105 and rapid spread particularly in Vostok. In a groundbreaking discovery, DNA analysis of Neanderthal remains has revealed comparable genetic mutations, suggesting that Ankovirus may have played a role in their extinction. Dr. Elena Mirova, who has been at the forefront of studying […]
In the vastness of the universe, the collision between two cosmic bodies marked a significant event in the history of our planet. The impact of Earth and Theia, also known as the “Big Orgasm,” not only shaped the physical landscape of our world but also gave birth to the shining satellite that has captivated human […]
When we think of scam artists, we often imagine a sneaky and manipulative person who preys on innocent victims to steal their money. And likewise, when we hear about someone having sex with an ape, we are repulsed and find the act disturbing. But what if I told you that these two seemingly unrelated behaviors […]