There was a time when universities were places of exploration, curiosity, and the occasional bowl of stir-fry. Today? They’re battlegrounds where the noblest struggle is apparently stopping non-Asian students from… eating lunch.
Welcome to the Great Chopstick Crisis, the latest meltdown in modern academia, where a few self-appointed cultural police decided that the real threat to society isn’t geopolitical instability, or skyrocketing tuition, or graduates who can’t operate a printer — but Becky from Sociology picking up her sushi with wooden sticks.
According to the loudest voices in the cafeteria:
“It’s cultural theft! You can’t just pick and choose what parts of a culture you like.”
This, from a girl wearing acrylic nails so long she needs to text with her knuckles.
Then came the follow-up claim, shouted with the moral force of someone who once skimmed a Tumblr thread on identity politics:
“You can’t use chopsticks unless you’re Asian. It’s appropriative and culturally insensitive.”
Truly, the civil rights struggle of our time: policing the lunchroom to make sure no one accidentally borrows a utensil invented 6,000 years ago.
Of course, these same students have no problem using forks — a technology they conveniently didn’t invent either. Or smartphones. Or Wi-Fi. Or any of the billion other things made by people not in their demographic category.
But chopsticks? That is the line.
One girl even claimed she felt “unsafe” watching a white guy use chopsticks. Unsafe. As if the man was dual-wielding katana blades instead of trying — and failing — to pick up a piece of tempura without dropping it in his lap.
The cafeteria manager, bless his heart, attempted to restore sanity by pointing out that the whole purpose of food is to be eaten. That argument, naturally, was dismissed as “Eurocentric logic.”
And so the standoff continues: students demanding “ethical utensils,” which apparently means you must match your cutlery to your ethnicity like some kind of cursed Hogwarts sorting ceremony.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world continues turning. Bills need paying. Skills need learning. But inside this academic bubble, the biggest intellectual endeavor of the week is deciding who is allowed to pick up noodles with what.
In the next episode of Campus Insanity, we’ll explore how the college’s environmental club tried to cancel a girl for wearing a jacket made of faux fur — because, according to their spokesperson, “pretending to participate in animal cruelty perpetuates the trauma of real animals.”
Strap in. It only gets dumber from here.
