If you thought the Great Chopstick Crisis was peak absurdity, don’t worry — the university has outdone itself. This week’s episode of Campus Insanity takes us into the sacred territory of locker rooms, where reality has once again been declared “problematic.”
It all began when a male student in a wig and a floral skirt marched into a women’s facilities meeting and announced, with the confidence of a man who forgot his common sense in the student lounge:
“I identify as a woman, and therefore I should be allowed to wrestle with women.”
Yes. Wrestle.
Not join a book club. Not participate in a baking class.
Wrestle. With women.
Naturally, a small but extremely loud group of student activists immediately backed him up. According to them, preventing a 90-kilo man from grappling women in a sanctioned campus sport is “oppression,” “violence,” and — my personal favorite — “outdated biological thinking.”
One sociology major passionately declared:
“Strength is a social construct!”
Tell that to the women’s wrestling captain, who awkwardly raised her hand and asked if she could “tap out of this conversation.”
Meanwhile, another male student made his own demand:
He insists he must be allowed into the women’s locker room because, as he put it:
“I don’t feel safe being surrounded by naked men.”
A bold statement from someone who willingly attends intramural water polo practice.
The administration, unwilling to anger anyone, responded with their usual brand of high-octane cowardice. They formed a “Locker Room Inclusion Task Force,” which has already produced a 42-page draft policy containing such visionary sentences as:
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“Safety is subjective and therefore cannot be guaranteed for anyone at any time.”
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“Biological differences should not outweigh emotional realities.”
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“Students are encouraged to negotiate physical boundaries collaboratively.”
Because nothing says “campus safety” like asking 19-year-olds to negotiate who gets to undress where.
The task force is expected to finalize recommendations next month, assuming they can get past the current stalemate: half the committee demands universal access to all facilities, while the other half wants to replace locker rooms entirely with “private contemplation booths.”
The wrestling team, for the record, just wants to wrestle other people in their own weight class — not navigate a live-action social theory experiment gone wrong.
Next week on Campus Insanity, I’ll report on the Students for Fair Feelings Coalition, who are petitioning to abolish GPA scores because “numbers don’t capture our emotional journeys.”
Stay tuned. The madness never stops.
