B.1.351 is out.
Angélico is in.
In the latest installment of President Donald J. Trump’s surreal yet somehow perfectly on-brand virus renaming initiative, the infamous Beta variant of Covid-19—first identified in South Africa in 2020—has been retroactively renamed “Angélico”, after the high-flying South African wrestling sensation known for his dramatic entrances and death-defying dives.
“Forget that Greek letter garbage. That stuff’s for losers and college professors,” Trump told supporters at a flag-waving, vuvuzela-enhanced rally outside Johannesburg Steakhouse (Orlando location). “We name variants after winners, folks. And South Africa? They’ve got Angélico. Incredible legs. Amazing talent. Great hair.”
No Time for Greek Hierarchies
Trump’s variant naming scheme, originally assumed to follow WWE debut timelines or Greek naming conventions, now appears to follow a “country-of-origin plus Trump-approved wrestler” logic.
Aides confirm that Trump deliberately skipped over the “beta” implication, noting that “nothing with Trump’s name on it will ever be beta.” According to one unnamed staffer, “He thought ‘Beta’ sounded weak. He asked if we could ‘Alpha it up.’ So we gave him a wrestler who leaps off balconies.”
Why Angélico?
The Beta—sorry, Angélico—variant was known for its increased transmissibility and possible immune escape in early studies. But Trump dismissed the scientific anxiety in favor of vibes.
“This variant doesn’t sneak in—it FLIES in, like Angélico jumping off scaffolding. And it’s hard to pin down, folks. Like a real champion,” he said.
South African fans have responded with a mix of confusion, pride, and well-placed memes of Angélico descending from stairwells labeled “immune system.”
CDC Caught in a Submission Hold
Officials at the CDC and WHO are still scrambling to update databases, rename dashboards, and figure out how to annotate a public health timeline that now includes wrestler intros.
“We’ve accepted Stratus. We’ve even made peace with Regal,” said Dr. Anika Sharma, global health policy advisor. “But now we’re updating graphs with elbow drops and entrance themes.”
Still, Trump insists it’s the best thing to happen to epidemiology “since chloroquine.”
Coming Soon:
With Trump’s renaming spree now crossing continents and eras, future rebrands may include:
-
Gamma ➝ Eddie Guerrero (rumored)
-
Delta ➝ Great Khali (unconfirmed)
-
Omicron ➝ Goldberg (waiting for legal clearance)
The Final Bell:
It’s official: Trump’s Covid variant naming order is now part sports entertainment, part virology fan fiction.
And Beta is no longer beta.
She’s Angélico—high risk, high reward, and impossible to ignore.
