Praetorian Man Falls for His Covid Variant After Breakup

Some people lose their sense of taste.
He lost his heart.

Jorn Mylander, 34, a freelance copy editor and former amateur kickboxer from East Praetoria, recently contracted the Stratus variant of Covid-19—Trump’s newly renamed wrestler-inspired strain. What started as a typical infection turned into something far more emotional.

“I thought it was just a scratchy throat,” Jorn recalls. “Then it became a deep emotional connection.”

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A Breakup, a Variant, and a Lot of Cough Drops

Just days before his diagnosis, Jorn had gone through a rough breakup with his girlfriend of two years. Her main complaint? That he became “lazy,” “avoidant,” and “unreliable” every time he had a cold.

“I’d get a fever and just want to sleep, and suddenly I was the villain in a Netflix drama,” he says. “She said I was using symptoms as an excuse. As if sore throats were a personality trait.”

Then came Stratus.

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A Voice From the Past

Jorn’s case was textbook: congestion, fatigue, low-grade fever—and the now-signature raspy, hoarse voice.

“At first I was annoyed—not because I was sick, but because being sick reminded me of all the nagging. The lectures about ‘just push through it.’”

But something shifted.

“As the raspy voice set in, I started remembering my early 2000s crush on Trish Stratus. The confidence. The grit. The way she’d walk into the ring like she owned the place.”

With every hoarse cough and scratchy whisper, Jorn felt closer to something—or someone.

“It wasn’t like the other colds. Stratus didn’t judge me. She didn’t tell me to take out the trash. She let me rest. She… understood me.”

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Rest, Recovery, Regret

For nearly a week, Jorn lounged in bed, sipping electrolyte drinks, binge-watching Attitude Era wrestling clips, and journaling about what he called “my time with Stratus.”

Then, as fast as she arrived, Stratus was gone.

“My energy came back. My voice cleared. I knew I should be happy. But I just… missed her.”

Jorn even delayed taking a second negative test, hoping she’d stick around just a little longer.

“I know it sounds strange,” he admits, “but she was rough, yet kind. A dominator with a healing touch. I wanted her to stay.”

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Experts Call It a First Case of “Variant Attachment Syndrome”

Psychologists have yet to formally classify the condition, but some in the Praetorian health community are dubbing it “Variant Attachment Syndrome”—a phenomenon in which isolated individuals develop emotional bonds with their illness.

Dr. Erika Voss explains, “We’ve seen similar cases with people personifying hurricanes, AI bots, or even IRS hold music. This is the first with a recombinant Covid strain named after a WWE superstar.”

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The Final Bell:

Jorn has fully recovered. But his heart? Still on the mend.

He’s now launching a SubPrae newsletter titled “Letters to Stratus” and has no plans to get infected again—unless, as he puts it, “they name one after Lita or Stacy Keibler.”

Because sometimes, the virus isn’t what breaks you—it’s what completes you.
And sometimes, you don’t get dumped by your girlfriend.
You get tag-teamed by fate.

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