Fellow Praetorians,
I am Marcus Cole, the emperor of Praetoria, and it is time to take a stand against the brainrot epidemic that has infested our society. I have declared an executive order, aptly named the Brain Rot Correction Act 1 (BRCA-1), to combat this threat and restore order to our great nation.
As true alpha males, we must acknowledge that the brainrot epidemic has been fueled by the toxic influence of platforms like TikTok, Instagram Reels, and YouTube Shorts. These mindless, dopamine-fueled apps have turned our youth into spineless, soyboy zombies with no sense of masculinity or values.
That ends today.
Under the first phase of BRCA-1, I am banning these platforms in Praetoria. Let these so-called influencers find another playground for their vain self-promotion and lack of substance. I will not allow them to pollute our society any longer.
But I am not a tyrant, unlike the overlords of these social media giants. I know that many of you enjoy Instagram for its original purpose – sharing pictures of your conquests, cars, and muscles. That is why I am giving Instagram an ultimatum – provide a version with the same functionality as it had in 2020, or be prepared to be banned as well. We will not compromise our values for the sake of a few filtered selfies.
Now, onto a more pressing matter. I know many of you have been eagerly waiting to hear my thoughts on Donald Trump’s recent inauguration. Let me first congratulate him on his second term as the President of the United States. As a strong leader and alpha male, he has my respect.
However, I must admit, I am disappointed in him. Despite pushing for a strong conservative agenda, I doubt if he truly has the balls to ban these brainrot platforms. Unless he takes a stand against TikTok, Instagram Reels, and YouTube Shorts, I cannot consider him a true conservative.
And speaking of threats to our nation, I am sure many of you are concerned about the recent findings of Chinese soyboy farms near American military bases. Let me assure you, as the emperor of Praetoria, I will not tolerate such abominations anywhere near our borders. We will keep a close eye on these developments and take necessary actions to protect our sovereignty.
My fellow Praetorians, let us unite in this fight against the brainrot epidemic. Together, we will crush this threat and emerge as stronger, more dominant males. Let us reclaim our society and show the world what it means to be a true alpha. For the glory of Praetoria!
– Marcus Cole, Emperor of Praetoria.
