It’s official—Covid has gone full kayfabe.
Following a surprise executive order by Donald J. Trump, all future Covid-19 variants will now be named after past and present WWE wrestlers, starting with the newly detected Stratus variant, a recombinant of LF.7 and LP.8.1.2.
“This is about respect for icons,” Trump declared from the steps of Mar-a-Lago, flanked by a cardboard cutout of The Rock and what appeared to be an actual guy dressed as Paul Heyman. “If we’re going to have new variants, they might as well have legendary names. We start with Trish. Classy. Dominant. Blonde. I like it.”
Meet the Stratus Variant
Discovered just days ago, the Stratus variant carries the usual Omicron subvariant symptoms:
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Cough
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Congestion
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Fatigue
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Headache
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Fever
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Occasional gastrointestinal tag-teams
But doctors have identified a signature finishing move.
“One of the most noticeable symptoms of the Stratus variant is hoarseness,” explained GP Dr. Kaywaan Khan to TPN. “We’re talking raspy, scratchy, borderline wrestler promo voice. Think mid-2000s Triple H right before a steel cage match.”
Social media users who tested positive are already sharing voice clips under the hashtag #StratusThroat, with some joking they now sound like they’re cutting promos on their immune system.
What’s Next in the Variant Roster?
According to sources inside the CDC (who may or may not be huge wrestling fans), upcoming variants will follow chronological debut order from WWE history. After Stratus, we may soon face variants such as:
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Orton – Known to sneak up without warning
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Cena – You won’t even see it coming
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Batista – Strong, but slow to spread
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Edge – Comes back when you least expect it
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Mysterio – A light case, but flips your gut
And yes, The Undertaker is being saved for something truly apocalyptic.
Medical Community Responds With a Powerbomb of Sarcasm
Not everyone is thrilled with the rebranding.
“We’d prefer scientific names, but if calling it the ‘Stratus variant’ gets people to test and isolate, we’ll take it,” said virologist Dr. Elena Cross. “Just don’t let it get to ‘Ultimate Warrior.’ We’re not ready for that.”
Meanwhile, wrestling fans are loving it.
“This is the crossover I didn’t know I needed,” said Monday Night Raw viewer @ChairShotConnoisseur. “I just hope the Roman variant isn’t asymptomatic but shows up every day anyway.”
Final Bell:
The Stratus variant is here. It’s scratchy, it’s raspy, and it sounds like your throat just did a tables match.
Will the Cena strain go invisible? Will the Lesnar lineage make your symptoms suplex each other?
Stay tuned.
Covid’s still cutting promos—and now it’s got entrance music.
